When Escaping From Jail . . . Watch Your Step

In what seems like something out of a cartoon, authorities in Alton, Texas are reporting that a pair of inmates, Jesus Albert Suarez Chavez, 17, and Roman Orozco Martinez, 22, were caught attempting to escape from the jail. While capturing a prisoner is not very note worthy, how they captured one of them is. During their escape attempt through the air conditioner vents, one of the inmates fell through the ceiling into the office of Police Chief Baldemar Flores. The other inmate was captured attempting to get into the air vent. Needless to say, the walking on ceiling tiles was probably not the best way to escape.

When I heard about this I had two totally different feelings. First, I was reminded of all of the stupid criminal acts, such as robbing a police officer or asking an officer for dope. But then, the cynical side of me perked up and started to wonder if the inmates were then going to sue for possible injuries. In a world where McDonalds can be sued for hot coffee why couldn't the city or the ceiling manufacturer or installer be sued. Was there a warning in the air vent that it could not handle the weight of the person? Maybe it is me, but if we have so many stupid labels on things, maybe the air vents should have them too?

Breastfeeding = Promotion??

You may think this is a joke, but Jiang Xiaojuan, a 30 woman in China, actually received a promotion for breastfeeding. Sure, there is a story behind the headline, but could you even imagine it?

Jiang is a police officer, who is also a mother, who sprung into action after last month's earthquake. To help with the disaster relief work, Jiang breastfed nine babies, earning her the nickname of "the police mum." Due to her "work," Jiang has been awarded numerous titles, including "hero and model police officer" and "excellent member of the Communist Party." Jiang was also appointed to the Communist Party of China Committee of the Jiangyou Public Security Bureau.

Did you ever imagine that breastfeeding would even land a promotion, let alone in China?

Just What Is Your Life Worth?

That is exactly the question that Australian Ian Usher, 44, is asking the world about his life. After his twelve-year relationship (five of which he was married) broke up, Usher decided to put his life up for sale. Usher has listed his life on eBay with a starting bid of 155,000 Australian dollars, which is equivalent to almost 147,500 US dollars. Before you place a bid, though, I think I should let you know what this offer include. If you win the auction, which ends on June 29th, then you are the owner of:
* three bedroom house in Perth, Western Australia,
* a car,
* a motorbike,
* Usher's clothes, and
* Usher's friends (I wonder what they think they are worth).

Additionally, you are entitled to a trial for Usher's job at a local rug store in Australia. If you had to list your life for sale on eBay, what would you list it for? What do you think your spouse would be willing to pay? Do you think they would be able to pay?

23 Pounds Worth of Baby: A Diet In the Making?

Okay, so I say this in complete jest, but could you imagine shedding over 23 pounds in a single day? That is exactly what one woman did in Winston-Salem, North Carolina last week, when she gave birth. The Maynards gave birth to Sean William Maynard and Abigail Rose Maynard, who weighed in at 10 pounds 14 ounces and 12 pounds 3 ounces, respectively, for a combined weight of 23 pounds and 1 ounce. I had heard of some women experiencing back problems while coming to term, but could you imagine. The only thing scarier is that the combined weight of the Maynards fall about four pounds shy of the world record established in 1927 for the heaviest set of twins, which weighed in at a total combined weight of 27 pounds 12 ounces.

The Gates of Hell Are Being Shut Down?

It what seems like a fittingly appropriate post on today, the day I posted about George Carlin's death, I had to share this funny tidbit. In Yonkers, New York, a defunct power plant has acquired a nickname that may nearby residents find unflattering: the Gates of Hell. The Yonkers City Council is now trying to squash the nickname and have the power plant referred to as either the Glenwood Power Station or by its address. It probably does not help that a councilwoman had actually used the nickname, the Gates of Hell, in a flier about a community meeting. Leave it to New York to try to squash the Gates of Hell.

However, when you think about it, is the Gates of Hell, really that bad? Most art aficionados, would think of the sculpture that French artist Auguste Rodin created. The sculpture is over 19 feet high and 13 feet wide and contains 180 figures.

If New York has a Little Italy, why not a Little Gates of Hell? Just a thought! Maybe if Yonkers markets it right, it could turn into a tourist attraction? After all, John McCain said he wants to go to the Gates of Hell.

One of the Greatest Comedians Has Passed On

So I enjoyed my break from blogging and was waiting for the right moment to come back and sadly it has come. For those that have not heard, George Carlin has passed away yesterday in Santa Monica, California. For those of you that do not know who George Carlin is, I am not sure where to begin. (Click here to see all YouTube videos that involve George Carlin.) Carlin is most famous for his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine that he released in 1972, and subsequently released a similar version called "Filthy Word" in 1973. For education purposes only, I will list them below. This routine was aired publicly without censorship and ultimately led to a Supreme Court case, which ruled that the FCC could establish indecency regulations in American broadcasting.

Carlin had been viewed as one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all time, as he constantly changed his routine and usually focused on the flaws in modern-day America. Like all major celebrities, Carlin did have an arrest record. He was arrested for performing his Seven Words routine in Milwaukee. In addition to being a stand-up comedian, Carlin had written a popular book, Brain Droppings, and appeared on numerous television shows and talk shows.

Mere words cannot express how big of a loss this is to a society how needs to learn how to laugh more. Carlin was a mastermind at finding humor in even the most serious situations. George, you will be missed!

Below are a few quotes from Carlin:

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

As promised, here are the seven words. If you do not want to see them, STOP reading.

1. Shit
2. Piss
3. Fuck
4. Cunt
5. Cocksucker
6. Motherfucker
7. Tits

Just for completeness, I should note that Carlin later added three more:
8. Fart
9. Turd
10. Twat

"Top Mom" Gets Reality Show

Not long ago, I wrote about Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan's mother, receiving an award for being "Top Mom" from a mother's group in Long Island, New York. Now Dina and her daughter Aliana (she goes by "Ali") have their own reality show called "Living Lohan." The show, which is on E! Entertainment Television fives an inside look at what it is like in the life Lohan house. I'm sure that everyone is familiar with the feud the Lohan clan has with Michael Lohan (their father). Michael is not part of the show, but OK! magazine has given Michael a part of his own: to blog about each episode. It is interesting to see that the Lohan family has decided to have this show, considering the dreaded impact that Hogan Knows Best had on the Hulk Hogan's family. (Speaking of which, do you hear that Brooke Hogan had an accident yesterday? Unlike her brother, Nick Hogan, who wasn't wearing his seat belt when he got into his accident, for which he was sentenced to eight months in jail, 500 hours of community service, and five years of probation, Brooke was wearing her seat belt and no one was injured. I should note that it appears that Brooke's accident was not her fault.)

It is interesting to note that Lindsay did not make an appearance during the premiere, but she was discussed by her mother and sister on a nonstop basis. Dina has stated that Lindsay would not be part of the show, much to the chagrin of the critics and the media. The reason that Dina provided is that Lindsay is "too good" for the show. If Lindsay participated in the show, then it would be taking a step back in her career, rather than advancing it. Since Lindsay was discussed, Michael needed to chime in and let the world know that Lindsay and Samantha Ronson are "engaged." According to Michael, they plan to have a commitment ceremony at Dolly Parton's Dollywood in Tennessee. Personally, I went to Dollywood when I was a kid and could never see it as a romantic place. Am I wrong? Does anyone have any different recollection of the place?

It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, . . . . No, It’s the Gators Backfield

For those that do not know me, I am an avid University of Florida Gators fan. I am a full believer that “If you ain't a Gator, then you must be GATOR BAIT.” With that said, I feel pretty confident in stating that this year’s Gator backfield has the potential of being one the best this year in the SEC. Percy Harvin is one of the fastest players in college football (40-yard dash in 4.3 seconds). During his first two years at Florida, he has amassed almost 1,200 yards rushing and over 1,200 yard receiving, with an average of 9.6 years per catch and 13.8 yards per catch. However, having just one fast player is not enough. So this year, the Gator Nation has a lot to celebrate with the addition of Chris Rainey. Rainey ran the 40-yard dash in 4.37 seconds. Many recruiting sites have Rainey within the top 5 running backs in the country, so he will definitely fill a need. Can you imagine what our running game will look like if Heisman Winner Tim Tebow, Harvin, and Rainey are all involved. I truly feel bad for the SEC defensive coordinators. GO GATORS!!!

If Gas Gets Too Expensive, We Could Always Turn To Mules?

Growing up in what used to be rural Miami, Florida, there was a sign that used to read, "Welcome to Horse Country." However, as the area became more developed, fewer horses were around and more cars took over. But with the cost of gas rising, maybe the return of horses is right around the corner.

In McMinnville, Tennessee, T.R. Raymond, a farmer, and his family have stopped using the gas powered tractor. They have switched to Dolly and Molly, which are mules that they purchased last year at the mule sale. For those that do not know, a mule is the combination of a male donkey and a female horse. So while I did say it in jest, maybe horses (in some fashion) are making a comeback. According to the Raymond family, they see the mules as the way of the future.

I think it would be quite interesting if we all turned in our automobiles in exchange for horses or mules. If gas prices were to continue to increase, would you do it? I'm comfortable on a horse, but I'm not so sure about riding a horse in a suit. But if that means we become a business casual or casual work atmosphere, who am I to complain?

Look Out Now, It's Sweep Time

It's Broom Time Baby! Okay, so Dick Vitale is not a baseball guy, but if he was, he would definitely be excited about my Marlins. Earlier this month, I wrote about my Marlins and what a surprising year they have had so far. Many critics have said that they started the season with a "light" scheduled. But those critics are officially silenced. For tonight, the Marlins completed a sweep of the Arizona Diamondbacks. This is the same team that had the best record in baseball before coming to Miami and is currently the leaders of the National League West.

One of the most interesting stories is the Marlins trade of Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to Detroit in exchange for Cameron Maybin, Andrew Miller, Mike Rabelo and three minor league pitchers. After this trade, many wrote off the Marlins chances, especially with Miller's ERA at the time of 9.12. However, since the trade, he has turned his game around, including tonight's game were he pitched a magical seven innings, that included nine strikeouts and only one batter reaching second base. In fact, since the trade, his ERA has fallen to 5.33 and he has won four out of his last five opportunities.

On a bit of bad news, Dan Uggla, who has recently had a hot bat, ended his 11-game hitting streak by going 0-for-4. But that is okay, he is still hitting .315. All I have to say, is this team is real. And regardless of how the season ends, they have something to be proud of. Go FISH!!