When Did “After You” Become an Insult?

So it has been about a week since I posted about the guy on the subway that refused to move so someone else could sit down. Since then, a new question has arisen. If there is only one seat available, and there is a woman, an elderly man, and a handicapped man, who should take the seat? While it may seem that I am fascinated with the Metro, this line of thinking was actually inspired by a lunch I had with one of my friends, who happens to be a staunch feminist.

I was raised to respect my elders and people of the opposite sex, so it is instinctive for me to hold a door open when I see someone coming. However, when I went out to lunch with my friend, I held the door open for her and she refused to go through it. According to her, it was my way of showing my dominance over her and so she insisted on holding the door open for me. This made me wonder, when did “after you” become an insult? I thought holding the door open for someone was a way of showing respect and courtesy, but I was informed over lunch, that I was mistaken. So after learning this, I asked my friend, if I saw a female on the Metro that did not have a seat, should I get up and give her my seat. To that question, she was unsure. She had an internal debate for a good five minutes, which was fascinating to listen to, but the lack of a conclusion was telling.

After this lunch, I continued to think about what she said and how I acted and wondered whether people, particularly females, were reading my actions incorrectly. Then, yesterday, I was on the Metro and I got up to offer my seat to an elderly man. He said it was okay and that “someone his age can still stand on the Metro.” I definitely was not trying to be degrading or demeaning by offering him my seat. But then I was going to respond, and yes I choose not to, if someone your age could stand, then someone my age could stand too. Where does the cycle end? Is there a point in time when you could just be a “nice guy” and people not perceive you as you looking down upon them?

So with all of the confusion and comments that I have heard about this, I ask, if you have a seat on a Metro or bus and see a woman, an elderly man, and a handicapped man that do not have a seat, who do you offer it to, if anyone? What is the order? Does it matter if the woman is pregnant? Why are these things so complicated? I do realize the easiest way to avoid this problem is to never take a seat, but then you are going to be trampled by the people that are getting either onto or off the Metro at each station. So for self-preservation reasons, I preserve to sit. I guess this will be one of those questions that I may never know the answer to.